The Baa Baa Shop Quartet

Being Haselnuss Challenge No 13: Sheep Ship Shop Shine

There were once 4 sheep sisters
Called Fa, La, Soh, Doh
Funny fleecy fat buggas
Inclined to go slow

A poacher nipped over
And gave them the chop
They got bunged on a ship
To his very strange shop

But he didn’t want to eat them
Or make them as meat
He hung them on hooks
And tickled their feet.

This Baa Baa Shop Quartet
Had to bleat for their keep
Beat time in the sunshine
Feet tapped hot in the heat

Thus Fa, La, Soh and Doh
Became famous fleece freaks
Tone-rapping, Toe-tapping
Known as the Four Singing Sheep!

A Rook Teamtalk

Rula, the Rook-in-Chief:
“Ok, now listen up chaps, and er – cough cough – chapesses”

ALL: Rawk! Rawk! Rawk!

Rula, the Rook-in-Chief: “And you too young Robble there”

Young Robble: Rawk!

Rula, the Rook-in-Chief: “So, we are gathered here
Together in this Conflab
To sort out the, Er –
Pecking Order
For the Game at Dawning”

ALL: Rawk! Rawk!

“Now you Roony, will be our First Pecker up Front.
And you Rooper, will be the Swooper on the Wing.”

Roony and Rooper: Rawk! Rawk!

“And you Ruddy, will be our Midfield Grubber.
And you two – Raggle and Riggle – are our Worm-Backs in case of trouble”.

Raggle and Riggle: Rawk! Rawk!

“You, young Robble, I’m bringing on in the 2nd half to mop up the tail.”

Young Robble: Rawk!

“I, of course will be your Supremo, conducting affairs from the third Elm on the left, next to the Silver Birch café. All clear?”

ALL: Rawk! Rawk!

“I’ll bringing you 2 lovely ladies – Risa and Renee – on as a surprise package in extra time”.

Risa and Renee: “What surprise Sir?!”

Rula, the Rook-in-Chief: “Well, that would be destroying the element of surprise wouldn’t it my lovelies! Lets just say, you will be part of a twin strike force, ready to flap, tap, and tickle, when necessary!”

Risa and Renee: “Oh Yes!! We will do our very best! Rawk! Rawk!”

Rula, the Rook-in-Chief: “Champion! Now lets sing together our Rook Carrion Call, after me – One, two, three…..

All Sing:
“We Birds of a Feather
Flock Together!

For we Fly as One
Our Wing to be Won

The Gift of the Grab
Is ours RAH RAH !!

The Gift of the Grab
Is OURS!!”

Rula, the Rook-in-Chief: “Wonderful!. Ok, lets go to it Team

Happy Flapping and Lucky Rooking this morning!!”

ALL: RawK! RaWK!! RaWK!!! RAWK!!!!

A Pair of Slobby Scousers

In Torquay live Liverpudlians, Stevie Bunce and Charlene Smith. They intend to stay down here for a very very long time.You might see them waddling through the town centre this Saturday afternoon. Don’t say hello.

Char: No we’s not goin down McDonnies youz divvy!
Stevie: Aww go on ar Char.
Char: No, I’ve toad youz noo!
Stevie: It’d only be fer half hour like.
Char: Look youz doin my ead in!
Stevie: Bu they got a bogof if youz get there early doors like.
Char: Wha bogoff?
Stevie: A full English wi fried bread, extra butties, an as many chips as youz can frow at yer face like.
Char: Wha, youz pay and me free like?
Stevie: No – youz pay an I go free like.
Char: Oh no we don’t Stevie Bunce!
Stevie: Oh yes we do Charlene Smith – I’m brassic la.
Char: How come?
Stevie: Spent me Giro.
Char: Ye wha? Its onli Toosday?!
Stevie: I know, bu I blew it like.
Char: Blew it?! Doan tell me youz down the stoopid bookys?!
Stevie: Yeah. Got dead unlucky on a couple of accumies.
Char: Wha hav I telled youz dumbo?!
Stevie: An I had a few bevvies in the Red Bull like.
Char: Wha the?!…. Last Friday?!
Stevie: Yeah. And Saturday afters. An Sunday lunch time. Had a carvery spesh see like la.
Char: Bevvied up?! Youz are an utter and total divhead Stevie Buncie!
Stevie: Sozz Char.
Char: Don’t sozz me youz fat wap!
Stevie: Look whos calling who fat! Youz wanna look in the mirror ar Char. Fattybumbum.
Char: Youz know wha youz can do? Youz can do one. Gobshite!
Stevie: Aww Char, Doan get like tha like.
Char: Youz doin my ead right in Bunce.
Stevie: I’ll make it up to youz gerl. Buy youz a lolly ice yeah?!
Char: I wan more than a piggin lolly ice youz muppet! An anyroad I thought youz doan have no dosh?
Stevie: Well, I know Shane on the van like. He’ll giz us a couple of lolly ices on tick like. And mebee frow in a cheeseburger yeah?!
Char: Bu its baltic Stevie! Not lolly ice weather la.
Stevie: I might touch Shane up for a twenee. He’s a good lad. Then I can treat youz gerl!
Char: Treat me how Stevie Slophead?
Stevie: Buy youz a gold sovereign gerl!
Char: Oh that’s boss soft lad!
Stevie: And nip into McDonnies for that bogof laters la?
Char: Ok la. But we gotta get down to the Asdadadadada later than laters la.
Stevie: Wha for like?
Char: I gotta stock up on (takes list out of handbag) pizza, wagonwheels, chocs, orange squash, sausage rolls, pork pies, chicken nuggets, mince, bikkies, dorritos and cheesy wotsits, jam roly poly, turkey twizzlers, oven ready chips la.
Stevie: Bu we might have to swerve the Asdadadadada till afters. It’s choka with chavs Char.
Char: As long as I get me gold sovereign I’m made up tophat.
Stevie: Youz will ar darl. Only the best for youz sweetpea.
Char: Lets go get that lolly ice then.
Stevie: Yeah, and youz lay yor Charl charm on Shane yeah?
Char: I know how to butter up Shane doan youz worry lad.
Stevie: Yeah, just flap him yer baps gerl
Char: Heh! I doan flap my baps at no one!
Stevie: No, onli lucky sod me eh?!
Char: Yeah only lucky little Stevie Buncie baby.
Stevie: Oooo luverly. Youz boss baby!
Char: Yeah, I am. An I’ll show youz whos boss alright tonight if yer play yer cards right soft lad!
Stevie: Whoopee Doo!! Back of the net!!

Time For Tea

Time has us
going around

its bends

It never starts, or stops
Or ends

It has us stuck
Ineffectually

At 6 O ‘clock
Perpetually

So lets pour out
From this tea pot

The Too much Time
Of which we’ve got

Lets drivel in matter
Lets dribble in cake

Lets Chitterchatter
TitterTatter

Tiittybumbumly
Barmybloopblooper

With Hare and Hatter
(Cat? Come on Awake!)

Boo hoo
Partypoopooper!

Miss Bloown cooken a flish n’ chlip

So Ding Dong Feng has invited his wif Miss Bloown to Beijing to meet his family.

A nice Ingliss wif mus brin ova froma Ingalan nice Ingliss goodie for Famawee Feng.

Espesh a nice BIG tewwiwishun for Ding Dong’s lickle ol Ma.

So eva wi wan can wach a how to maken the famuss Ingliss Flish ‘n Chlip.

Alla yoo kiddo – shit dow ana pay attenshun! Thi is velli importan (screem Ding Dong Ma)

And nah nice Ingliss wif isa cooken Flish ‘n Chlip fo eva ree bady!

Yum Yum – sayen eva ree wan of Famawee Feng.

We wanna be liken a Ingliss wif….. She velli gowjuss ladee.

She mavawuss chleff ofa Flish ‘n Chlip. Dewishuss!

Miss Bloown – we velli mooch liken yoo can stay ana liven here nah wi Famawee Feng.

Ana cooko Flish ‘n Chlip for uss eva wee day Missus! Pweese?!

Dolly & Dee Dee’s Afternoon Do-dah

Dolly Carter and Dee Dee Holding have stepped out into the back gardens of their respective East London council houses.

Mrs Holding: Gordon Bennett! ‘Ave a butchers Doll!
Mrs Carter: Shaken an stirred that fing! Bleedin sawce!
Mrs Holding: Didn’t oughta be allowed it daynt.
Mrs Carter: It’s disgustin, is wot it is.
Mrs Holding: A loada Jackson Pollacks.
Mrs Carter: Ain’t gotta care ina wewld them two.
Mrs Holding: Soemone oughta put a stop to it.
Mrs Carter: Ged on the ol Percy Thrower abaht it.
Mrs Holding: Its geddin outta ‘and this.
Mrs Carter: I doan no where to put me minces.
Mrs Holding: I mean, looka the bleedin size of it.
Mrs Carter: ‘Is meat an 2 veg is hangin like the Niagras.
Mrs Holding: A rite Willy Wonka.
Mrs Carter: An ‘Ers no bedder. Look at ‘Er bacons!
Mrs Holding: Arksin for it she is.
Mrs Carter: An ‘Er Khyber Pass stuck up like that.
Mrs Holding: Eggin ‘Im on.
Mrs Carter: The Jezebel!
Mrs Holding: The ‘Ussy!
Mrs Carter: Its bleedin lewd!
Mrs Holding: ‘Ooevas lets this little carry on carry on oughta be locked up.
Mrs Carter: Too rite Dee Dee! Rite ‘ere on our back doorstep.
Mrs Holding: Where every decent rite minded person can see.
Mrs Carter: That’s the truble wiv todays society.
Mrs Holding: Too bleedin permissiv.
Mrs Carter: No morals.
Mrs Holding: Nor manners.
Mrs Carter: Its all abaht let it all ‘ang out.
Mrs Carter: Which ‘E is doin – look!
Mrs Holding: I can’t bear to Doll, I’ll ‘av nightmares tonite seein all this dirty doo-dah.
Mrs Carter: Me too. I won’t know where to put meself.
Mrs Holding: A rite hows your farva an all.
Mrs Carter: You wooden Adam an Eve would ya?
Mrs Holding: Gordon bleedin Bennett! At it even ‘arder now they am.
Mrs Carter: Gawds strewth, I nevva seen the likes on it.
Mrs Holding: It’s like full frontal.
Mrs Carter: Pornogrow, or whatevva they calls it nah.
Mrs Holding: It was ‘avin it orff wen we woz.
Mrs Carter: Wen we woz wat?
Mrs Holding: ‘Avin it orff Doll!
Mrs Carter: Total Pete Tong tho this is an no joke.
Mrs Holding: “Pete Tong?” Wots that when its at ‘ome?
Mrs Carter: You know, “Pete Tong” – “Wrong”. Me grandson is rabbitin it all a time.
Mrs Holding: Well, I nevva ‘eard on it. I don’t go for all these new sayins they says these days. Its a bit phony baloney to me. Not propa.
Mrs Carter: I know wat you mean. Its all that Becks an Posh.
Mrs Holding: Yep, loadsa fluffy bunny. Allis ‘as been.
Mrs Carter: Poncey talk, tryin to be clevva trevva.
Mrs Holding: We nevva ‘ad no head-u-cation an it done us no ‘arm.
Mrs Carter: We seen it all ain’t we Dee Dee?
Mrs Holding: Well, nearly everyfin – cept this fillff!
Mrs Carter: An look nah wats ‘appenin?!
Mrs Holding: Doan look Doll! Turn away!
Mrs Carter: Shockin! I’s feelin faint. Alla fluster alla sudden.
Mrs Holding: You gettin ‘ot flush?
Mrs Carter: Queer all ova, an no skylark.
Mrs Holding: I’m gettin a bit ‘ot an bovvered meself.
Mrs Carter: Its gonna giv me ‘eart attack this todo is.
Mrs Holding: Is it seein that big Ding Dong fing?
Mrs Carter: I only watchin it coz you is.
Mrs Holding: Well if you looks away so will I.
Mrs Carter: Er – you look away first Dee.
Mrs Holding: I will then.
Mrs Carter: You looked away?
Mrs Holding: No, coz you nevva.
Mrs Carter: I cuddnt. It got me in its grip.
Mrs Holding: Yum randy that’s why!
Mrs Carter: Takes one to know one!

At which point is heard someone calling, ‘Solo! Solo! Come on Solo! Come get your Bonio Solo!! Come here you naughty boy!’

Solo climbs off, abandons his dear lady, and runs towards said Bonio.

Mrs Holding: Phew! Fank Gawd that’s ova! You need a sit dahn Doll.
Mrs Carter: Yum rite. I nice sit dahn. Or even lie dahn. For a bit.

Mrs Holding: For a bit of wot?!

Mrs Carter: Stoppit you Dee Dee Carter. Puttin fillfee noshuns in me ‘ead you!
Mrs Holding: We gotta get dahn the ol rub-a dub for a shandy luv.
Mrs Carter: Fink I need summat a bit stiffer than that Dee Dee!
Mrs Holding: What, a couple of Andy Pandys?
Mrs Carter: Or free!! An mebbee frow in a Gay an Frisky!
Mrs Holding: Blot this malarkey out the ol cranium!
Mrs Carter: Chew right Doll!

Both go indoors, to come back out wearing coats, holding handbags.

Then toddle off arm in arm. Down to the Pig & Whistle.

Schloppin ina Riddls

This morning Miss Bloown is out shopping in Lidls supermarket. She encounters a very fat man. Outside a Monsoon is blowing.

Miss Bloown: Mee velly wet.. inside cloe too!!
First person I see in Riddles.. A Chinki man..
fowwoo me round ona twollee.. an at till…
finkin message in here somewhere !

Ding Dong: He mi brovva Ding Dung! . .
He a chekin yoo out fo mi . .
Hiss mess age wa he say yoo velly gowjuss . . .
I say wa abaht amonee? . . . He say . . She a godda non!

Miss Bloown: Godda no monee now.. spend it all on lotta bag ob lice in Riddles..
He velly fat bruvva that Ding Dung.. Mee not like hee folloow me..
Noseee pong!

Ding Dong: Yah he pong do Dung . .
tha why he ina Inglan stinkin aplace ou . .
an he velly mutch liken a Ingliss food . .
cripps ana slossij rollll ana flishflingererr ana licelolli ana whitobled ana schleephard pi wi a glavee.
It why he goddo velly velly fat!

When S permy met M ermy

She glid up
Right by him
Blew sweetly
Down his spout

He finned her
To flubber

They blub
blubbered about

Whoosh! – up flew spume

In spurtious sploshes
In fountainous flushes
In glorious gushes

In hot liquid lather
In slipperous lush
In lover-lust lava
Both smovvered the other

Whoosh! – and Whoosh!

Spouting and Spuming!
Teasing and Tossing!
Sloshing and Slushing!
Goshing and Gushing!

The S permy and the M ermy

Having a whale of a time

Making waves
Creating plays

Together
Entwined
In Sublime

Mr Ding Dong Feng Famawee!

Mr Ding Dong Feng has been in continual daily contact with Haze. He is a very solicitous gentleman. And by “solicitous gentleman” I don’t mean a Chinese iriot pest.

Ding Dong: Ding Dong velly happy chap you liken his bes pen . . . jus for you missus! . .

Miss Bloown: Bargins.. bargins.. everywhere Mr Ding Dong.. you send us all good cheep fings.. I luff yoo werry mooch Mr Feng

Ding Dong: Use you eye good . . Looken for bargin! . . Like cheapo cheeki chinki see! . . My ma say i godda call yoo Mrs Ding Dong . . . Yoo my wif na see . . Yoo loven me an all tha….

Ding Dong: Gedda bargins! . . Quick gedda bargins!! . . . My ma say she wanna flat screen telli . . . . Go on my darwin . . . I make yoo more nice pen! . . .
Miss Bloown: Mr Ding…..you come over here..be my usbind and open Chinese takeaway…make pens on Saturdays…?
Ding Dong: I bring ova all my famawee to live in yoo fla yeah? . . . We needa lest 15 bedroom . . . An big kitchin . . . For choppin all them bladee wegitabul…. an tha….
Miss Bloown: I hope yoo can understand how I speak Mr Ding?
Ding Dong: Yoo Ingliss isa luvalee! . . . Hey isa any Chinki in yoo Torki? . . We dona wan ovva Chinki . . My big bruvva a velly angri man see…..
Miss Bloown: Yes, many Chinki in Torki Mr Ding.. many chopsuey eating places.. you like that?
Ding Dong: Baaaad! . . . Godda nuff Chinki here! . . . I onwi wan nice Ingliss peeple ana nice Ingliss girl liken yoo my darwin! . . . Wi lodda money baby . . . For maken Ding Dong velli happi Chinki chappi . . . Yaaaah!! . . .

Miss Bloown has whizzed over a Feng Family Picture. It was very much a likeness. Each and every one. Like. The other.

Ding Dong: Fank for dwawin of me . . Anna all mi famawee. Ow yoo no wa i looken like?! . . .How yoo no wa mi blovvas ana slisters ana kiddos looken like? It bledee mavawuss!! My ma putten dwawin ona wall . . She velly pleese. . . She gonna maken yoo a velly spesh pen . . usen fevva from ducks bottum . . . Ah yaah! . . . yoo gonna liken it bloown ladee!

Ding Dong: I ope i not be in a stoopit iriot  – well plobablee . . . Bu not ness a celery . . . I maken yoo pen wi happi in it . . . Yaaah! .
Miss Bloown: Yes pleese .. and you not a stupid iriot.. you are the BIGGEST CUDDLY CHINKY CHUNKY CHERISHABLE CHUBBLEY MAN.. in the whole world… pleese make more pens for me…
Ding Dong: Ding dong godda a toodle noodle off nah . . . Bye beautiful lady missus… I loven yoo….. Ana so doo alla mi famawee….

Wee alla cumin a see yoo soon… Ah yaaah!!… Chee awi o!

Mr Skittles is a little deaf

Woof! Wuff! Grrrr! . . .  . Lick . . Scratch . . Slobber . .

………..Woof!!

…………………………….Woof!! . . .

………..Woof woof! ……Grrr! ………..Lick lick scratch

……….slobber…..

…………….Woof woof!…….. Miaow?!…… ?!Huh?!………. …..Grrr!………..

…………..Chase……….  ………

…………….still…………… c……….. h……… a…….. s…………..i………..n…………g…………….

……………….the bleddy thing………

……..Lost it………..

……………back with tail between legs…….

’Come here Mr Skittles!…….

…………It was “Gi down”……. you deaf dog!………

………..Not “Miaow”!!…….. No cat anywhere!……

………….Now sit nice….. and bleddy behave!