Posh Hogs Puds

Our fav sandwich filling of choice lately is hogs pudding and fried tomato. The hogs pudding comes from Mr Hooper the local butcher. But he’s not divulging what makes his hogs pudding so yummschous!

Ian: Butcher is rolling curly puds out of hogs blottum….

Ian: Rupert Hog and Bertie Hog and Harold Hog….. provide all the poos for his puds…..

Haze: They have girlfriends…Esmeralda…Winifrid…Ottoline and Gemima..!!..

Ian: Thems posh hogs…. Get fed cucumber sandwich’s….

Haze: Its all in the secret spices!?! Truffles..chocolate liquers…brandy snaps and absinthe!.

Rupert: Ya! Ya! That’s right…Snortle! Ya! Snuff! …. Bring caviar next time Hooper old chap …Snortle! And a bottle of champers…. Ya!.. Now orf ya trot…. there’s a good fella!…. Wot?!…. Grunt…Gruntle!….. I got some  pooing pudding to make…. Snort! Snortle!…. Rump… Rumpy … Pumple ……Bleuugh!!…… ?!1?!?!!….. Wot?! Wot?!….

Ada’s Pussy (Scrabbits)

Beware Miss Scrabbits
A most ferocious cat
A hissy hussy

Got dirty habits
Likes messing in muck
Getting sticky with stuff

Chews the heads off
the tails off
the smiles off
Rabbits

Her muffs covered in rough
And the gunge from tappets

Don’t tickle or touch her
With your dongle
– She’ll scratch it!

That’s Ada’s pussy
A cat called Scrabbits

The Sooty Owl

An owl flew, or blew, down a chimney in Brixham this (Sunday) morning. Some people have all the fun!

He fell 50 foot down
Did this hapless young Owl

Flapped squawkily through
Next doors tight chimney flue

From big head to foot
Owl is covered in soot

Like two blackened holes
Eyes mascared in coal

Feathers flustered in dust
Owl feels silly, nonplussed

Bedraggled, bemused
His head frazzled, confused

Brains smothered in smog
Positively groggily agog

Feeling sorrily remiss
The dazed bird is skewiff

His sonar gone gaga
Has derailed his radar

Haywire and off kiltered
No wonder he’s bewildered

What a ridiculous mistake!
Not a jaunt, not a jape

He must find wherewithal
From this shocking pitfall

From this foolish downturn
An earnest lesson to learn

For it is safe to surmise
This was not very wise

The bird will know better
Than to blunder wherever

Come quick to his senses
Staying clear of strange houses.

Kumbuka just wants to go home

This gorilla caused a bit of a kerfuffle in London Zoo last week. Armed police were called for. Visitors were evacuated. A State of Emergency was declared. But turns out all he was really interested in was catching the next flight to Mombasa.

As you can see  – he’s a big boy is Kumbuka
Very handy with a monkey wrench.
I wouldn’t mess with him if I were you.

Just in case.
You get the wrong side of him.
Or he gets the wrong side of you.
Which he is more than prone to do.

Very deft he is. He can unpick a lock in a jiffy.
Slip through a door as if it wasn’t there.
Unpeel, and stuff down, a bunch of bananas
In the time it takes you to tie your tie on
floss your dentures, lace your laces.

To tell the truth, since he came up to us from down Devon
He’s been a hairy handful.
He’s kept us on our toes. Kept us guessing.
As soon as your backs turned he’s up to something.

Like he was this morning.

Pickpocketed that key from the bunch on me belt
Then casual as you like, making his way through the front gate
Disguised as David Attenborough

Look how well prepared he was – suitcase all packed up
This was no impish apeish impulse
He’d been planning this monkey malarkey for weeks.

And where does he want to escape to?
Not back down to dozy Devon by the looks of it.
Wants to flee this little isle completely.

Desirous of being a real Hairy He Man.
Be like the big bros that live in Africa.
The ones that hide in trees and can’t be seen.
Or gawped at through glass.
A proper gorilla.

Desperate to go home is Mr Kumbuka.
Be back where he belongs.
Hang out once more.
With his toothless old Ma.

Tickle her armpips.

New Aldi Telly Addict

PENSIONER spent 15 hours in the queue for the opening of Devon’s new Aldi store to win a 32-inch TV. Says the Herald Express. Well, I suppose it’s whatever floats your boat really. You had to be there!

I be ere all nite I be. Waitin.

I’s a good waiter.

Got nothin bedda to do now do I.

I mean, this be highlite of 2016 fur me.

I be waitin fur Aldi to open since first I knew they was. That be last year now.

My favourite shap is Aldi. Had to shap in Waitrose. Toffee nose posh shap they be. Bleddy expensive an all! Id cost 44p fur tin of mushy pee! An they got dearest tea there too. 3p a bleddy bag! Shockin!

Aldi be much bedda. No hairs nor graces. Everythin there is as is. Wad you see is wad you ged sort of fing. No fanci pance plastik packagin. No confoozin diddilin deals. No phony bogoffs! Cheep as chips is Aldi, alwiss was, alwiss will be – and thads the way I like id!

Aldi be bedda than them Liddl diddlers down rode. Rite cheepskates they be. No ramp up to ged threw front dore in me mobility scooter. They fiddl you owt your last farthin wud Liddls if yoo led em. My advise to any of yoo titearrse shappers thad go there is check yore change afore you leave. I god done on checkout there twice. Overcharge of 17p fur a bag of spuds. Then run threw me peepamint creems without applying discount. Shockin! Them buggas them Liddl diddlers be.

No I sticks to me Aldi. Yoo never go wrong wi Aldi. They god best bargins. I mean, they given free tellys away this mornin. Flatscreen 32 inch. Dolby surround sound. Good for hard of hearin like wad I am. Not thad I wants the telly. I god 3 already. I god 55 inch plasma in me livin room. I god 44 inch Ultra HD in me bedroom. And I god 37 inch LED in me kitchin. Wad more do I want eh? But I mite give this new one to me missus to have her shut away in her bedroom. Bit of piece and quite then see! Hee Hee! I luvs her really. She makin me Sunday roast fur wen I geds back the old sweetpee.

Coz I gonna be hungry old wolf wen I ged back. I be sat ere last 15 hour waitin. No wonder Herald Express wantin to take me picture. I be a star see. Be seein meself on this new telly tonite. All yoo watchin local Spotlite News make sure yoo look out fur me. I be grumpy bugga sat in the mobility scooter wi red bobble hat. Proud to be first in queue, and very first shapper threw front door of new Aldi!

No Fairy Doors on Trees! Purlese!

Some pranksters (or New Age gangsters) have been sticking ‘fairy doors’ on trees in Dartington Totnes. The Dartington Hall Trust are not impressed. Don’t think these 3 faeries are either.

Damm: Who put these silly wotsits on – DAMM!
Dumm: Dont need no doors
Damm: Nor no knockers – Grrr!

Dumm: Wots this handle for?!
Dimm: Test how daft we am

Damm: Pull on it then! Pull!
Dumm: No – Push!
Dimm: Wont budge!

Dumm: Stick finga in them holes
Damm: No! – wiv key, Dip Dap!
Dimm: Aint go no key
Dumm: Can’t go in then
Dimm: Locked solid it is
Damm: Shut out – DAMM!
Dumm: Of our own abodes!

Damm: Its vandals done it
Dumm: Hippy
Damm: Dippy
Dumm: Tricksters
Damm: Pinchin our properties
Dumm: Not theirs to have
Damm: Messin about
Dumm: Playin silly beggars
Damm: DAMM them!!

Dimm: It’s Puzzlin?!#?!
Dumm: It’s Positively Pointless!!
Damm: It’s Ppflippin DAMM well takin the Piss!

Dumm: Who do they think they are!
Damm: Who do they think WE are!
Dumm: Thinks we don’t know
Damm: How to enter our own homes?!
Dumm: We knows how to get in and out
Dimm: Yes, er well yes – we do!
Dumm: Just ask the tree
Damm: To invite us three
Dumm: To bring fairy cakes for tea!
Damm: Easi
Dumm: Ozi
Damm: Dozi
Dumm, Dimm, & Damm Together: When you knows how!

A Snoring Lady

This sleeping lady snores a bit.

She snores and she snores and she snores.

And eventually her snoring turns her into a bit of monster.

If you don’t believe me listen to this

Any resemblance to a certain LOVELY lady is purely coincidental.

Words & Vid: Ian Nisbet

Drawings of snoring lady: Hazel Brown

Snorings of snoring lady: -az-l B-o-n

Whippy v Wattie

Got a new addition to my goldfish bowl: a Chinese Weatherloach. A long lively fella. Impressive. He’s been named ‘Mr Whippy’.

Look at that Mr Whippy!
Boss of the Bowl he is.
So lithe. So lissome. So limber.
So nippy whippytricky.

And look at that poor old Wattie
On the outside looking in
A shoddy droop of knobby
More likely to sink than swim

While Whippy whirls real snappy
A tiptop nonstop performer.
A 100% bona fide projectile.
Such a wriggly wiggly chappie.

Poor Wat’s got parboiled skin
Never seen him seem forlorner
A limp dejected erectile
His futures looking grim

Unlike Whippy! – so swell with swagger
A sinuous seal of slippy
He streaks about so zippy
Wild Watery Whippersnapper!