Chinky Free faw Afternoon Tee (Hee)

“Herrow evilbladdy” say Pong Pong Poo
“Herrow evilibladdy” say Yum Yum Yoo
“Hey! I jus say tha” say Pong Pong Poo
“Herrow evilibladdy” say Ching Chong Chok
“Hey! I jus say tha” say Yum Yum Yoo
“Doan be a plare o clopiclat!” say Pong Pong Poo

“Yoo stink”! say Yum Yum Yoo to Pong Pong Poo
“I stink good” say Pong Pong Poo, “Iddo mi flavlit pler fume”
“Waddo id call?” axe Ching Chong Chok
“Iddo call “Cato-Armpippnipp”” say Pong Pong Poo, “Iddo maken slexy laddee velli ill- ee- zist- a- bul!”
“Yaah – geddo evilee Tomcat Dick miaow miaooowin!” snigga Ching Chong Chok
“Iddo giv evilee purri pussy X flactor slex smell” say Pong Pong Poo
“Waddo evilee nice ladee reely rike is a biggo slice o thi fulfat Chok Clake I make!” say Ching Chong Chok
“Wi nice hot plot o Stinky Chinky tee!” say Yum Yum Yoo
“Hee! Hee! Tee! Hee! Tee! Hee!” laff Pong Pong Poo
“Hee! Hee! Tee! Hee! Tee! Hee!” laff Yum Yum Yoo
“Hey! I jus laff like tha” say Pong Pong Poo
“Hee! Hee! Tee! Hee! Tee! Hee!” laff Ching Chong Chok
“Hey! I jus laff like tha” say Yum Yum Yoo
“Doan be a plare o clopiclat!” say Pong Pong Poo

Repee an cloppy
Repee an cloppy
For nextoe free hour

(Or until tee fini) (fink Yum Yum Yoo)
(Or chok clake fini) (fink Ching Chong Chok)
(Or mi armpip stardo tu expire) (fink Pong Pong Poo)

Harry Winks an his two birds

Harry Winks: Harry Winks is the name, Dodgydealins me game

Dahn to Devon from East Dulwich Iam.
 Bort me truble an strife wiv me.
Well, not strickly.
She only me birdfriend.
Ere she is
Alrite gewl?!

 

 

 

Maureen Mutler: Dontcha alrite gewl me Harry Winks!
“Birdfriend?” Wotcha talking abaht!
Harry Winks: Just avin a larf More
Maureen Mutler: Yeah, larf alwizz has to be on me aint it
Harry Winks: Sorry Reen doll, yoo kno wot I finks abaht ya
Maureen Mutler: Yeah, I kno alrite – fink iam ere wenevva wotevva dontcha?
Harry Winks: Yoo kno wotside yore bred is buttered, I gives yoo plenny, everfin yoo wants yoo gets, new shoos, new tites, new titties – new face!
Maureen Muttler: Yore sista knos wot I ave to putup wiv, dontcha Wend?

Wendy Winks: Thats rite I do. Yoo bin bleedin orribull to More
Harry Winks: Wot I dun nah?
Wendy Winks: Its notwot yoo dun nah, its wot yoo not dun faw the larst ten year.
Maureen Muttler: Not made an honist woman of me
Harry Winks: Well, yoo ain’t eggzackerly the virgin mary am yoo?
An yoo can shut yer cake-ole an all Wendy Winks. I doan keep yoo in nylons to shout ya mouf off, dissin me in publick – yoo fatbag!
Wendy Winks: Wotcha meen publick?
Harry Winks: I meen on this blog wear every Nizz Nuss an Noggin ead finks they can doo wot they likes to disreespeckt mi good name an reputashun
Maureen Muttler: Well if it wernt faw the Nizz Nuss an Noggin eads of this werld yoo wooden eggsist Harry Winks
Harry Winks: Nor wood yoo Morereen Muttler, nor yoo Wendy Winks
Maureen Muttler: Weed all betta shutit then haddent we.
Wendy Winks: Fank ower lucky stars

Harry Winks: Yeah thats rite. Theres only one big iam arahnd ere. I cock of this bleedin blog an no skylark
Maureen Muttler: Thats all yoom the cock of an all.
Maureen an Wendy explode into a fit of the giggles
Harry Winks: Oh leeve it owt! – the pair of yoo, like a cuple of cacklin hens!!

Mr Turners Bussoms

Molly: Ooo I say, what are you up to Mr JMW?

JMW Turner: (clearing throat, and attempting to speak proper)

I do declare Miss Molly
(moving stool into position)

A Bussom…. (cough)

Is a Piece of Nature….
(steps on to stool)

In its Happiest Moments
(leans forward and gently kisses her left bussom)

Molly: Oh Mr Turner! You are a sweetie!
JMW Turner: (reverting to usual voice)

And yoor ooters are Beauties!

Molly: Would you do me a favour Mr Turner?
JMW Turner: Anyfing you arsk my luv

Molly: Well, could you make one of your nice paintings of them?
JMW Turner: Nuffin wood giv me greata pleasure deer fing

Molly: Only, I could sell it then see – get at least a guinea for it.
JMW Turner: Wot – sell yor Babies Moll?!
Molly: That’s right, 10 shillin for each tit!

Sloppa & Slippa

Grandson: Look over there Nan! On the rock!
Nanny: It’s Sloppa and Slippa.
Granddaughter: Which ones which Nanny?
Nanny: Sloppa is the one who is asleep
Grandson: And is that Slippa?
Granddaughter: Who keeps slipping into the sea?
Nanny: Yes, that’s little Slippa
Grandson: And what are the names of the other 3 seals Nan?
Nanny: The big fat one is Harold. And the little one by his side is his adopted son Nipper
Granddaughter: And who is that third seal, the one with the pretty face?
Nanny: I don’t know the name of that one. What do you think its name is?
Granddaughter: I think it looks like a mommy seal.
Grandson: Lets call her Sammy!
Nanny: That’s a good name!
Granddaughter: Every time we see the seal with the pretty face we’ll know its our Sammy!
Nanny: That’s right. She’ll be here for years and years.
Grandson: And so will Harold and Nipper!
Granddaughter: And so will Sloppa and Slippa!
Nanny: Seals can live for 30 years. You’ll be able to come and see them with your own children one day. How wonderful is that?!

Buzzin Geezers

Scene: Back of the No 12 bus
Geezer A is picking up a buzz on his fone

Geezer A: “Hey! Clintoss! Hows you mate?”…..
“…..No shitman…. I waz on the earlies…..”
“Yeah old peeple go earli earlies…like 4 in the mornin an shit”
“….Smel like mouldy moffballs…like deff…disgustin…”
“….Shudden let the kants in….. fucken disgrace….”

Lady in Hat at the back is in various stages of alarm.

“….Brings the hole vibe down yoonowaddimeen?….”
“….Cum down tomorras mate…get on the bells an bars ….”
“…Get lodes of cardio in ya… yanowaddimsayin bro?…”

Geezer B slouched behind is puffing away.

“…. Yoo shud clock me mate…god sum size on me arms…”
“….Pecks izz well hard….. brings me tats up reel sweed…..”
“….Its well gud mate….we god a buzz goin in there…”
“….God to pud id in tho bro…… no fakin lik a twat…”

Lady in Hat is secretly scribbling away in a notebook.

“… Only doan go too heavi wiv the Roids yoonowaddimeen?..”
“….I god spare gear yoo can hav no probs pal…”
“….An if yoo god the readies I can let yoo hav a few pumpers an stackers man…”

Geezer B has respliffed.

“…Laters I piles down to McDonnies wiv Rocko an Domineek… needies the foodies to ged up energywize otherwize yoo ged a dip in yore levels mate….”
“…Jus rock up mate….we’ll be there hangin about buddy…”

Geezer B has just spat a fat green gobby on the seat opposite.

“..Rite Clintoss god to be offski mi man …. Yeah no shit… Sortid..”
“…..I’ll bell you afters…be cool mate…. Chow!……”

Geezer A to Geezer B: “Wot a kant!”
Geezer B: “He’s a fucken batty boy”
Geezer A:” …..You shittin me?!…. A sausage jockey?!….”
Geezer B:” ….Straight up….”
Geezer A: “Or bent over!…. He’s bedda not turn up at the Riviera tomorra”
Geezer B: “Deck him I wood”

Lady in Hat’s heart has just skipped a beat.

Geezer A: “I will….Give him a knuckle sandwich… I hate fucken bum bandits me”
Geezer B: “Hey, Want sum fucken puff?…”
Geezer A: “Where?… When?…. Who?…”
Geezer B: “Me….Here… Now…. Toke on this Beest mi man!….”
Geezer A: “Jeez! Way to go Dogger!…. Hey Mississ!…”

Geezer A is puffing and pointing towards Hat Lady.
Hat Lady looks up, severely panicked.

Geezer A: “Yeah you…. Wiv the hat… Mississ Marple…. Yoo wanna suck on this?!…”

Waves the Giant Doobie towards her, winks at Geezer B.

Hat Lady: “Er, Oh yes please! I love marijuana!”
Geezer A: “No shit?! Yoo do?!”
Hat Lady: “Oh yes! I smoke it all the time. Does wonders for my arthritis!”
Geezer B:” Respect Lady!”
Geezer A: Wow! Yor sick Mississ!…..Take a fucken bow….!….”

Fishin & Wishin

Bobs Uncle 1: Wee ain’t add a fing all affernoon.
Bobs Uncle 2: Wee goodum catch summat soon.
Bobs Uncle 1: Yoo sure this be rite place to sit?
Bobs Uncle 2: Yep, be bound to geddum bite in a bit.
Bobs Uncle 1: Ope so, me tums a rumble.
Bobs Uncle 2: Emptee tums no gud faw an uncle.
Bobs Uncle 1: Yoo OK there me old Wattie?
Bobs Uncle 2: Ee dont look like a happy chappie cocky.
Bobs Uncle 1: I fink Ees finkin.
Bobs Uncle 2: Ee dont look like Ees blinkin.
Bobs Uncle 1: Hey Wat! Yoo still wiv us yoo soft cock?!
Bobs Uncle 2: Ees stuck solid, rigid as a rock!
Bobs Uncle 1: Wake up there – me old Winker!
Bobs Uncle 2: Give us a song you soggy sprinkler!
Watson: Oh shut up! The pair of you!
Bobs Uncle 1: Ooo! Hark at her!
Bobs Uncle 2: No, Ee finks Ee’s a Sir!
Watson: You two haven’t got a clue.
Bobs Uncle 1: Lord God all bleedin Mighty!
Bobs Uncle 2: No need to ged all shirty – matey!
Bobs Uncles 1: Weems doin ower best.
Bobs Uncle 2: Yes, wot else Wat doo yoo suggest?
Watson: Nothing! Nothing at all!
Bobs Uncle 1: Well in that case – shut yer yapper!
Bobs Uncle 2: Yoose nuffin bud a slacker!
Watson: Dont worry, it don’t take much for me to stand tall!
Bobs Uncle 1: Very well then, wee quit.
Bobs Uncle 2: Here’s the rods – yoo prick!
Bobs Uncle 1: Weem orf back to the dry.
Bobs Uncle 2: Wees god bedda fish to fry.
Bobs Uncle 1: Leave yoo ere in the do do!
Bobs Uncle 2: Wees orf faw a warm brew!

Watson: Dont leave me here alone!
All peed on and prone!
Getting wet to my bone!

Bobs Uncle 1: See you later you plonker.
Bobs Uncle 2: You wet wonkery winker!

An Uncles work is never done

Bobs Uncle 1: Ere are old Wattie, a loverlee cuppa.
Bobs Uncle 2: Hey! wad about me yoo ugly bugga!
Bobs Uncle 1: Yoo ged one wen yoo dun them dockets.
Bobs Uncle 2: Oh shut tha trap will ee!
Bobs Uncle 1: An tha can ged knotted!
Wattie: Now listen here lads, settle the dust!
Bobs Uncle 1: Ee stardid id fust.
Bobs Uncle 2: I daynt, wor thee.
Wattie: No need to fall out and squabble.
Bobs Uncle 1: Well, Ee geds on me wick.
Bobs Uncle 2: Yoo talks loade orf twaddle.
Bobs Uncle 1: Yoo big eaded prick!
Wattie: Eh?! Don’t get at me!
Bobs Uncle 1: Not you! Him there Uncle Numnuts!
Bobs Uncle 2: Knows one to nobble one!
Wattie: God the both of you – a right pair.
Bobs Uncle 1: Wees allus like this.
Bobs Uncle 2: There be nuffin to it.
Wattie: Yes, well please dont overdo it.
Bobs Uncle 1: Hey Wat, Cum and help wiv these lists.
Wattie: Well, if you insist.
Bobs Uncle 2: And then you can have a go at them piles.
Bobs Uncle 1: Of binders and files.
Bobs Uncle 2: Chitty all those reminders.
Bobs Uncle 1: Ditto all these remainders.
Bobs Uncle 2: On clean index cards.
Bobs Uncle 1: Then fill up them jars.
Wattie: Hey! hey! Stop!
Bobs Uncles 1 & 2: Wot?! Wot yoo say Wat?
Wattie: Give me a breather, a break.
Bobs Uncles 1 & 2: Faw biskitts and cake?
Wattie: Five mins to unwind and unscew.
Bobs Ubcles 1 & 2: So sorry cock – wee forgot!
Wattie: And let me sup this nice brew.
Bobs Uncle 1: Yes of course me old Wat.
Bobs Uncle 2: Another spoon in the pot!

The Jargonaut

The Jargonaut (Manager): OK Team
Junior clerk (female): Its only me Mr Jargonaut.
The Jargonaut: OK, teamstress, dictation at the ready.
Junior clerk: Ready I am.
The Jargonaut: The primary driver of demand going forward is, well, is wads.
Junior clerk: Wads?
The Jargonaut: Wads, wodge, wodger, dosh, readies, all those immediate achievables.
Junior clerk: You mean money?
The Jargonaut: I mean a realistic resource allocation that empowers proactors to proactivate.
Junior clerk: Uuugh?
The Jargonaut: We need market-based solutions to optimize the penetration…
Junior clerk: I’ve stubbed me pencil!
The Jargonaut: ….Of emerging markets across a wide range of competencies…. – you’ve what?!
Junior clerk: Sorry, just need to sharpen me pencil.
The Jargonaut: No time for that – idiot! Who uses stupid pencils in the Age of Digitalisation! Translocate to Voice Recognition immediately!
Junior clerk: But?
The Jargonaut: No “But” allowed! All commoditized processes to be utilized.
Junior clerk: I’ll try my best, er will this do? (Holds up very old mobile phone)
The Jargonaut: What the hell is that?!
Junior clerk: Its my Nokia, my Auntie Dumkins gave it to me. She’s had it for 20 years!
The Jargonaut: Obsolete load of crap! Are you deliberately downsizing me?
Junior clerk: No, its good – look! (Goes to hand Nokia across) –
(The Jargonaut knocks the Nokia out of her hand)
The Jargonaut: This disincentivises key stakeholders! What kind of ball park do you think you’re playing in duckie?!
Junior clerk: You’ve broken it!
The Jargonaut: The sooner you get into upsizing your credentials the better my Miss Non-person.
Junior clerk: My Auntie loved that phone.
The Jargonaut: Concepting like that is predicated on sentimental claptrap. If you are to continue to have a going forward in this employ you must widen your parameters, get with the programme pronto!
Junior clerk: You’re the one full of trapclap.
The Jargonaut: Imprudential indicators are signposting me towards vacancy factors in your employment prospects forthwith. Get out!
Junior clerk: Don’t you worry, I wouldn’t work for you another minute – even if you paid me!
The Jargonaut: Your monetize capacity here has been terminated you non-operative!
Junior clerk walks to the door, then turns around: Er, what about if we devote maximal effort and resources to the premature termination of your oxygen-consumption Mr Juggernuts?!… Nonchalantly smiles, applies the one fingered salute in his direction

The Jargonaut: PfFfghHaaAgHhjjWahhaaySSssSSPPfffFFukckckkk!!

The Jargonaut has just blown his head gasket……

“Nuts to you too!”

Sammi Squirrel: “Nuts to you too!”
Wattie: Wats that he’s saying?
Bobs Uncles: He says “Nuts to you too”
Wattie: He should be saying that to you
Bobs Uncles: Who?
Wattie: You two
Bobs Uncles: Why us two?
Wattie: You’re a pair of nuts
Bobs Uncles: He’s sticking his tongue out too
Wattie: Not at me surely?
Bobs Uncles: He surely is
Wattie: Thats flippin rude!
Bobs Uncles: And sticking two fingers up too
Wattie: Extracting the michael that is
Bobs Uncles: At us two, and you too
Wattie: That’s it!
Bobs Uncles: Wots wot Wat?
Wattie: We ain’t takin no more pictures thats wot
Bobs Uncles: But he’s so cute!
Wattie: He might be cute. But he’s also a bloody cheeky so and so – lets go!
Bobs Uncles: Bye bye little fella!

Sammi Squirrel: Tee hee hee hee! Thats showed them!
Nosey parkers! Leave me in peace will ya!
And I don’t want to appear on no silly blog either!

Now where did I hide me nuts?

Ricky & Renata Rocker-Fellahs

Ricky: Hey guys how you jigglin?
Renata: Wot?! Mine?!
Ricky: Nah, I’s talkin to them friggin Nizz and Nuss blog reeders – all 2 of them!
Renata: Ooo! Wee famous Rickee sweets?!
Ricky: More like notorious.
Renata: No Tory – Us?!
Ricky: Not Tories!
Renata: No way! Scumbums the lot of them.
Ricky: Known for our madcap exploits wee izz doll!
Renata: Are we?
Ricky: Are we wot?
Renata: A pair of Madcappers?
Ricky: Yeeah thats right me old Reeny Rock Chick,
Renata: Wot we bin up to now then?
Ricky: Cavortin an wotnot.
Renata: Wots wotnot?
Ricky: Are you piddled on that vino already? Yoo know, all the amazeballs we get up to arahnd town every Friday night like.
Renata: Oh yeah, we let it all hang out don’t we Ricko!
Ricky: Well, I don’t – you do tho sweetpud!
Renata: Ooo Rickee! – Yoose the dogs bollocks.
Ricky: Yoo is bonza Renata.
Renate: We’re well cool. As in K E W E L L!
Ricky: True. Total Boss. Hardcore.
Renate: Yoo izz bad ass – Boom!
Ricky: Yoo izz lush babe.
Renata: Yoo old hunky hippy dude yoo!
Ricky: Yoo’s ma Ho!
Renate: We izz bangin.
Ricky: Bangin wot?
Renata: Embarrasin!
Ricky: Come ere ma beetch!
Renata: Oo Rickee dicks – Watch out will ya!
Ricky: What?!?
Renata: Yore dangly fing –
Ricky: Where?!?
Renata: Got cort in me fishnets darl!