Harold & Nipper

Harold & Nipper are blown-ins (or swim-ins) to Torbay from the Thames Estuary.

Harold ere…
I lookin arfta Nipper as yoo can see….
Adoptid the lickle tyke…
Ever since his muvva swam away….
Wiv a sailor to the……
Gugugurglegagagalalapolus Islands!

Nipper: Is I King of the Rocks nah?!…..
Harold: Hey! Not on your flippin Flipper!
Nipper: But this rock mine ain’t it Harry?
Harold: Less of yore lip yoo cheeky young un!
Nipper: I sorry Harold
Harold: I’ll guugugive yoo sorry me lad!
Nipper: Wat yoo doin?!……
Harold: Shove off!
Flips Nipper from the rock into the sea

Nipper: Aaaaahhh!!
Harold: Serves yoo rite.
Nipper: Me hats all wet nah!
Harold: Never mind abaht hats. Guuugogo gegegeget me me brekkie
Nipper: Where from?!
Harold: Well where doo yoo fink?
Nipper: Watcombe caff?!
Harold: No! Here!
Nipper: Here? Where?!
Harold: Here, Everywhere!
Nipper: Uuugggh?!!
Harold: The bleddy Sea!

Nipper ducks head under

Harold shouting: Yoo gogogggogot snails for brains yoo Nipper!
Gogogoggorgordon Bennett!

“It’s Rainin Slugs & Frogs”

Haze: Uncles shed is gitting a good sooakin’!
Nizz: It should be “Its raining slugs and frogs”!…not cats and dogs……
Uncles has had to light paraffin heater this morning….dry out a very wet shed!..
Haze: No! hope thems trousers n’ socks boots n’ caps didn’t get wet?
Nizz: Thems baccy is soggy!…..got spluttering pipes..
Haze: I will send some over right away.. what about their special loose leaf tea?.
Nizz: Rain has got into thems tea and best biskits….Sog everywhere!…
Haze: Mr Skittles. .(now awake)..has agreed to take a basket of supplies to shed. ..and warmed blankets too! ..Off he goes. ..good old Skittles! I’ve put in adequate amounts of cake n’ flapjacks to last the day, bit of butter and Half a loaf! .
Nizz: Thems a pair of grumple uncles this morning!.
Haze: I’m sure Wattie is mopping up for them as we speak!.
Nizz: Wattie is lying on his hammock like a soggy sausage..
Haze: Give him a sharp pinch and a strong “PINCH”…from me.. he’ll jump up and have that shed floor mopped up in no time!.
Nizz: Uncles is rolling him around on the floor like one of them squeegees!
Haze: That should do it! Skittles is on his way tell uncles to get kettle on!

Hazey Days Bird Cafe

Come on down all you lucky birdies – to Hazey Days Back Garden Bird Cafe. Peck in to all you can gobble. Have your picture taken!

Specials Of the Day include:

“Slug on Toast”
“Snail-in-the-Hole”
“Triple Beetleburgers”
“Cockroach Casserole”
“Warm Worms in a Basket”
“Dung Beetle Surprise”
“Caterpillar Crumble”

Plus all you can eat crusts, crumblies, and crumpips!

Dave Dunnock: “Where’s me mealworms’ an chips?! I bin waitin on this wisteria all mornin!”

Hazey: “Just re-filling shelves Mr Dunnock. .gi’ me a minute! Lodda worms. .lodda bugs beetles and strange jumping things!”

Mickey Magpie: “Tha woz a lovlee bid of nosh tha woz… Fanks for showin me wear them tits eggs waz!”..

Brian Blackbird: “I’ll ave your warm worms in a basket mississ, wiv a bit of tha wriggly relish!”

Gary Gull: “Wotchew call this then? I arsked for triple minced maggots, and chips. This is just stir-fry flies and measly french fries!”

Walter Wood Pigeon: “Can I av yor smash-an-grab grubs in grasshopper gravy purleese!”

Miss Win Wren:” Oooo! I did enjoy that nutty fleacake – yummy! Is there any more mississ?!”

Hazey: “It’s all free nosh. All you birdies got to do is smile for the camera!”

Bobs Oncles

Bon soir!
Ere izz Bobs Oncles
Aving quite nuit ins
Sooking on zee pipettes
Perusizz zee noozepapiers
Puzzilink zee puzzlies
Boozink zee boozies (biers, gins)

Zee Bobs izz feeling tres bon
Enjoying to ave mani relaxes
Screetchink zee chinchin
Chatti boocoops
Lissenink tu Satchet et Surge
Before zee weekend
Wen zey ave tu bee veri vild
Wizz zee sexes

Ma Qui!
Wizz certain ladliees,
Zem norti wet mademoiselles
Woo bounci bonk on zeem
All nuit looooong!

Bobs Oncles muss bee
Tres tres carefool
Not tu uppset zem madams
Mooch j’taime end
Pleehjoor izz
Eggstracktid out ov zer leetle sacks
Mooch va va voom
Izz sookt out ov zose sexi snacks

Non wunder zey izz
Floppt end whackt
Zems knackett!

Bobs Oncles –
Oo la la!
Zems charmant leetle chaps!

Albert Chongs Fings & Fongs

Herroe Evelibladdy! An espesh to tha gowjuss soupa modooe Bliggitta Blowdo!

Wee makken lodda lingee longli faw yoo Mississ Blowdo.

Keep yew velli warm upp in tha fleezin winta weeva.

My wif issa noddo soupa modooe same yoo Mississ Blowdo bu shee like showoff allo mi kinkilinkili flesh fings anno fongs.

Wee goddo nice new pantipanto gurglegirdle too look soooo gooowjuuuusss onna yor booty blooty blady Bliggitta Blowdo!

Twy owwa norty nipplepips. Twy owwa nooky blabras. Twy owwa tickly tingleteasies. Buy allo flee and geddo one flee!. Velli cheep!

Anno we sen yew velli blig packit o knicko knackos anno flive finga ma jiggeries fore yore baldi bloyfiend!

Wee makken evelibladdy happi wivv owwa Chinki Kinky Cheeky Chappy Ploducks – oh Yaah!

Noblady make sleepy sooo slexli same as Albert Chong (me) (anno mi chunkee boss wif)

Cheewio Bliggitta Blowdo. Fank yoo for buyen mi ploduck!! (mak sure to sen check plenty quik)

Posh Hogs Puds

Our fav sandwich filling of choice lately is hogs pudding and fried tomato. The hogs pudding comes from Mr Hooper the local butcher. But he’s not divulging what makes his hogs pudding so yummschous!

Ian: Butcher is rolling curly puds out of hogs blottum….

Ian: Rupert Hog and Bertie Hog and Harold Hog….. provide all the poos for his puds…..

Haze: They have girlfriends…Esmeralda…Winifrid…Ottoline and Gemima..!!..

Ian: Thems posh hogs…. Get fed cucumber sandwich’s….

Haze: Its all in the secret spices!?! Truffles..chocolate liquers…brandy snaps and absinthe!.

Rupert: Ya! Ya! That’s right…Snortle! Ya! Snuff! …. Bring caviar next time Hooper old chap …Snortle! And a bottle of champers…. Ya!.. Now orf ya trot…. there’s a good fella!…. Wot?!…. Grunt…Gruntle!….. I got some  pooing pudding to make…. Snort! Snortle!…. Rump… Rumpy … Pumple ……Bleuugh!!…… ?!1?!?!!….. Wot?! Wot?!….

The Mighty Blammerblird

A rare Bearded Vulture or Lammergeier has been spotted in The South-West this week. There’s even been a sighting on Dartmoor nr Shipley Bridge (about 4 miles away from here)  A ferocious looking bone-crunching brute of a bird. All you little lambkins stay close under your woolly mothers!

This Lammer-Blammer-Blurd has certainly captured me and Haze in the last few days. We can’t stop texting about it!

Blammerblude heRe … I… aRrk arRk…. is got eYe on nice bag of laMb …. aRrk arRk … I swOops on uglee finG soon….. ArRk aRrk….. Afta I dun me nAils…… ArRk! aRrk! …….

Those lubberlee Red Nails! Just like mine…you copied mee..you bluddy blig blummerburdy…me ana mi gels are gonna geah yoo!…

Yoo noT find me …. ArRk ARrk…. I hiDin on DaRtmoor …

ArRk ARrk… … SaT up tRee… BluddiN me FeVveRs….. ArRk! AzRrk! ..…

Hey Bluddyburdy..you can get into Mr Nizzbittts kitchen winda..he’s godda lotta old bones in his oven…lotta good marrow burdy!!…

@@@@

Haze: No Lammergeiers……no crows…sparrows…or tits of any kind! A birdless garden!

Ian: Morning mississ….. It’s here! ….. Sat on the roof….. Waiting to pounce …… on a pensioner! ….

Haze: I watched the little vid of them dropping bones out of the sky…weird!! Look out for crashes on your roof mr psrselllee!…

Ian: Its listening…. To hear how hollow their bones are!

Haze: Look out for a mass onslaught of…Twitchers…heading for Bucklebitslee blableee!…

Haze: Oh.No…I can hear them on my roof…no..its a magpie!…

Ian: It’s looking into my kitchen window….. With eyes 👀 of ravenous rapture

Haze: QUICK…Hide the fish!!!..

Your bones would be very tasty blableee…yummy.yum..to a Lammer-chewer!

Ian: I’ve just sawn my left arm off….. And thrown it out the window!

Ian: A twitcher has just offered it 2 of his toes! …..An elbow has been lobbed over…… And a kneecap!…..

Haze: Don’t poke your head outta winda..!…

Haze: Gotta go in a mo..gotta give blood..but not to them birds..the NHS…vampires!!…

Ian: Got to get away……from that monstrous bird! …

@@

Haze: A velli blig Lammer- gurdy is heading for the coffee machine

…scattering blood red feathers all across the office!

Ian: That Blammerblurdy has just been sighted in Tortellini… Heading towards old saint Mary’s church ….Wiv blood on its clawsies!

Haze: Ooo! NO!..Just gonna walk up to the shops! I’ll buy a bag of bones and scatter them int’ middle o’ road!…

..in precinct now..it has just made off with a dozen children from the local Nursery group!..Blood everywhere!! :-!:-!:-(..

Ian: Bluddyblammerblirdy says he’s gonna get you next mississ brownypads 

Haze: Oh No he isn’t..back home without a bite or a peck!..

Ian: That Blammergeezer is hovering…. Watch out!

Haze: Busy morning too!.Up and down that hill..all good stuff..gonna cut grass now before it rains!..

Ian: Blammerblurd is now directly above you…. And about to strike….

… He hates strimmers …… Here!…… He!….

.. Comes!……. …. Run for cover …. Quick! …..

Haze: Oh yes!..I can see him now…swooped in over the rooftops..to the “Old Albert”… look.out!..He’s snatched up 2 drunks!..Probably drop them onto Thatcher Rock!

Mr Parselee got colliflower cheese ears

Mr Parsley has god truble wi his ear-oles lately – ALL BUNGED UP!!

Mississ Plainta Ladee: Sennin’ yoo sum speshool hot esspressoo coffee to mak yoo ears go POP! Yoo hear pin drop now!

Mr Parsley: Mr Parsley say Fanks mississ…

His ear oles like colli flowers stuffed wi chedda cheeese …

He sendin yoo big stikki bee sting plassstors…

They eat aches fo blekflast ….

Mississ Plainta Ladee: Fankoo mr plarsley I stik ’em aw ober mi buddy ebery where! …. put yoo califlower cheese ears in oven for tea… we can eat em up!

Zum zums in his brainleafs

Who would want to work in an Office with a headful of

Wiggleworms and Blurps and the whole Blahblah Blah-di Blahblah.

Walking by Mr Nizzbits desk you might think he was stressed

Or Bamboozled

Or Bonkered

Or totally Spliffy.

Er, yeah – he is (bambonkerboozled and all that)

He’s got zum zums in his brainleafs.

He’ll break out into a sudden burst of inane whistling in a minute.

Drive everybody in this Office mad!

Mr Parsleys Plassstors

When you buy pain relief plasters from Thailand you get –  and gotta give – very special attention! This is what was on the package from a Mr ‘Paisalee’

My goal is to ship items to you as soon as possible. But Thailand is very far away. There could be some delay in the receipt of your package. Please feel me. If there is no problem please leave me positive feedback. Please don’t give NEG feedback for me. I will resolve any conflicts promptly

I ask mercy for you to give feedback about my shipping more than 3 stars

Look forward to doing business with you again. We wish God Blessing Be with you and your family to happiness.

And he keeps texting!

Mr Parsley: I goddum plassstors for plainta peeples goddum spessil ingledi ants … the flufff flom a buddas belli ….. lovewelli!! …

Miss Plainta Ladee: Finki will needin um by endo day … sticko plaisers on rists

Mr Parsley: I sendin plassstors byy quik airloplain for yoo mississ plainta ladee … Yoo puddum on harm an harm go awayee if yoo giv mi feedbak 5 stars pleeeese! …

Miss Plainta Ladee: Okay Mr Parsley..yoo velli goodo..hopin uyoo geah yoo samicheshs!

Mr Parsley: Yoo belli good wi chinkee pen mississ … I sendin yoo big blox o plassstor wen yoo giv mi 5 stars… Pleeeese ladeee! …

Miss Plainta Ladee: I’ll gibb yoo 5 stars ..anna Bigg Sloppi Sticki Klissis mister!

Mr Parsley: I maken mi plassstors stikki flom bums o jungle chook chook monkeee. it seeclit …. Ssshussh … Doan tell the blitissh glovvament….or Mr Parsley ged in Bigg truble mississ …

Miss Plainta Ladee: I wont tell..I get my ink from stinky inky sloppy slimey ole Octopussy’s pussys…ha ha ha!…

Mr Parsley: Mississ yoo ask tha Queen Ma giv Mr Parsley 5 stars too pleeese. .. An ask Mr Clammarun too pleeese mate….

Miss Plainta Ladee: I ask evelliblody in Blittish islands…yoo geah Velli Big order mister!..Betta start slendin plaistas now!..

Mr Parsley: Doan giv 1 star or I slippin snake in blox to bite yoo boddum mississ …

Miss Plainta Ladee: OOoow..I scared ob snakes I is…so I senn yoo a 1,759 stars

Mr Parsley: Sollleee miiss! Tha wa mi nasti blovva Phuket sen yoo tha.. pleeese hav mercy!